he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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