I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
