not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
