Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
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I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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