If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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