Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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