Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
