Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
