Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
