I cannot find my penis.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
