I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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