i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
