I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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