mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
