I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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