I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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