i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
