Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
