My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
