No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
How naked do you want me to be?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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