No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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