The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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