i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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