My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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