My hand turned me down
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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