i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
