This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
