Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
