You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
