Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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