I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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