Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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