Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
