is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
