Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
