there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
