that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
