I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
