Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
