roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
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Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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