well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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