i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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