She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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