This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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