Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
