Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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