Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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