part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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