So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Will exercising make me less horny?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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