I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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