i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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