you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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