we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
