Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
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Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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